I thought that I was getting better but I guess with everything else in my life, this too of course has to go wrong. You can only cover up a serious disease for so long, you know? It does not just magically go away. I wish that more people would learn to understand this, instead of just blindly hurting me with their ignorance. It is extremely frustrating that there are so many people in my life who get irritated that I am always depressed, they get angry at me because I bring them down with my 'loldrama'... well, a severe wound will not heal if it goes untreated. In fact, if untreated it gets worse and worse till the inflicted dies. They get so mad that I am never happy, and yet fail to realize they are only digging a knife into the cut. I can not improve when there are so many negative people in my life, it just doesn't happen like that.
What I really need right now is for someone to be physically here for me to take care of me and make me feel secure. I am a very needy person, and I have come to terms with this as it is not in my control-- along with almost everything else in my life. I am the kind of person who needs to be reassured and reminded that I am safe, that I am loved...yet even when my girlfriend visits me I'm still just as alone. Changes have to be made, or else I'm just going to be 6 feet under. I have no real reason to exist, only for the humor and satisfaction of others.
Also, telling me "you don't have it that bad" is one of the quickest ways to wind up on my black list. Seriously. You do not tell that to a suicidal person. If I don't have it that bad then why the fuck am I sitting here dying slowly?You think you know me but you do not... I am not the same person I was even just a year ago.You have no fucking idea what hell I have been through and what I continue to live with. And lets be honest here, any person who has had it as bad as me would be sitting here doing the exact same thing. I only know one other person who is doing this exact same thing... only know one other person who is struggling as much as me. My sister.
I am dying slowly and there is nothing anyone can or will do about it. The only people who care about me are hundreds and thousands of miles away from me.
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